Chapter 7: When
Doubt Whispers “I’m Such a Failure”
I never realized how many thoughts occur in my mind. Tons of
thoughts both good and bad; things that definitely help me through my day but
my oh my…those negative thoughts ring through often and there are many. This
spiritual war indeed begins in our minds and if we don’t prepare ourselves for
battle on a daily basis, we become an easy target to hear the doubts of our failures
more loudly than the reassuring love of our Lord.
Are You Sure God?
My ministry is through movement and dance. I was asked to minister
this past weekend for a luncheon at my church. I had prayed to God about the
event and knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was supposed to dance.
In fact, God had even miraculously used one of my best friends to deliver the
song that I was supposed to use in ministry. Well the day came, and my oh my,
so many distractions came with that day: my children were restless from having
run errands with me all morning, the music system wasn’t working properly and the
audience included women from our church dance ministry and my Pastor; no
pressure, right?
To put it lightly, my mind was everywhere except where it needed to
be. And to top it off, a community dance ensemble was also ministering at the
same engagement and they showed up in full force with gorgeous garments, props
and even an assistant! Are you sure I’m supposed to be doing this, God?
God was in me, and I
was in Him…
Well, despite all the many distractions, I danced. In that moment
with my God it was just me and him. I talked to him through my movement and He responded.
How good it felt to flow, spin, jump and bow in full worship to Him. During
that moment I knew God was in me and I was in Him (John 14:20); we were moving
together in complete harmony.
If only I would have remembered that moment over the course of the
next 24 hours…
All I Can Hear is
Doubt
Next came what I perceived to be the "polite hand clap." Followed by, “…her
music wasn’t really that loud…,” and then what I dread the most, “…you danced
beautifully.” Beautifully? I wasn’t put here to just dance beautifully? My
dance was my worship to you, Lord.
Why didn’t they connect with You the way I did?
Did I miss something?
Did I not do what you told me to do?
Question after question? Doubt after doubt. I couldn’t hear the
true compliments that were shared with me; the doubt was louder and I began to
not only regret dancing but I began to question my purpose. I told you this
chapter was timed perfectly for my life, didn’t I?
Speaking My Prayers
Out Loud
I knew subconsciously that the doubts I was whispering weren’t
healthy so I asked God for help. I needed HIS validation, I needed HIS love and
I needed HIS reassurance that, “Yes, Nikki. This is what you were put here to do.
Keep dancing…for no one else but me.” Well God spoke. He answered my prayers
and the first thing he told me to do was to drown the voices of those doubtful
thoughts by speaking my prayers out loud. With every inkling of doubt that
tried to push itself to the forefront of my mind, this weekend I spoke out loud
against it. Now I wasn’t yelling and walking in circles quoting scripture
(although I’m sure that would have worked too!), but I was speaking audibly
(just above a whisper); repeating his promises in my heart:
#IAmNot what the voice of doubt says that I am…
I am God’s child. I have direct access to the throne
of grace through Jesus Christ. I have been established, anointed, and sealed by
God. I am born of God, and the evil one cannot touch me. I have been chosen and
appointed to bear fruit. I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens
me.
Confirmation,
because He’s just that awesome
And because God is not simply good but he’s great, he spoke again
in a workshop I attended at the end of the weekend. God literally gave me the platform to ask the
many questions that I had about ministering through dance. His answer:
“Your movement is an
outward expression of an inward reality. Your job in my kingdom is to
administrate His presence. That can only be done through someone who’s heart is
pure and is free of the deliberate distractions of the enemy.”
God didn’t have to do any of what He did for me this weekend. He
didn’t have to answer my prayers. He didn’t have to respond to my movement. But
because He loves me more than I could ever imagine he did… for me. And for that…
I will continue to DECLARE #IAmNot.
I will continue to SPEAK
my prayers out loud.
I will continue to DANCE
for God alone.
#andAmen.
No comments:
Post a Comment